But I'm a Cheerleader!
by Stranger
Summary: This is a parody of the movie "But I'm a Cheerleader". Read it; it's very, very, funny.


Rating: PG13. This includes a lot of snogging/ making out between girls and girls. Beware, little children. RUN AWAY! Don't say we didn't warn you.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters belong to J. K. Rowling, but the plot is mostly belonging to the But I'm a Cheerleader, and a little of it is ours.  
  
Author's note: This is a co-written piece... it's by both the author formerly known as Winter_Solstice (now known as Stranger) and Pheonix. We spent a long time on this, so when you're done, R/R!  
  
Just to satisfy _all_ of you people saying we have Homophobic ideas, this is from the movie. THE PLOT IS THE MOVIE'S PLOT. OUR FANFICTION'S PLOT IS A PARODY OF THE MOVIE'S PLOT. This fanfiction is not any reflection of our ideas on sexuality. So. Get. Over. It.  
*****  
But I'm A Cheerleader!  
By Winter_Solstice and Pheonix  
****  
  
"Gryffindoor! Gryffindoor! Griffindoor! Yaaaaayyy!" Shouted Hermione. Ron was skeptically watching Hermione lead her squad of Gryffindor girls as they cheered on their Quidditch team.  
  
"Hermione, after all your rights things, you are the last person I would have thought of for a cheerleading squad!"  
  
"Well, Ron, I know the idea is kinda corny... but, hey, it gets the other girls into it." Hermione turned around to face her squad. "Okay! Remember that practice is tomorrow during free! Don't forget your uniforms!" Hermione winked at Ron. "Meet me in our main room during lunch."  
  
*****  
  
Hermione and Ron got their little date... but they missed a very important announcement from Dumbledore.  
  
"Due to popular demand, we have instituted a program to scare the gay out of our fine school of wizarding. After lunch, the staff will be selecting wizards and witches who have homosexual tendencies. Training for strait life will begin tomorrow at noon.  
  
  
*****  
  
Ron leaned over and kissed Hermione passionately. His tongue found its way into her mouth, wriggling like a snake caught on fire. Hermione grimaced, but Ron obliviously continued his attack on Hermione's mouth.  
  
"See ya later, sugar." Ron called over his shoulder.  
  
Hermione wiped the saliva from her lips, shuddering.  
  
*****  
  
"What?!? I'm a cheerleader, not a lesbian!" Hermione screamed.  
  
The staff watched apathetically, unconcerned with the fate of the young witch. Dumbledore stared at the ceiling, unheeding of the raucous shrieks emanating from Hermione.  
  
"Listen to our list, Miss Granger. You have been accused of the following crimes-  
A) Watching Parvati undress in the girls' dormitory  
B) Not kissing Ron with ardor  
C) Hanging pictures of nude females up in your-"  
  
"Those are anatomical sketches for Biology!" interrupted an angry Hermione.  
  
Dumbeldore ignored Hermione's pleas. "And lastly, D), severe activism in the House Elf Community. Clearly, you have a.... problem. Your sexual dysfunction can be cured in five simple steps. As I said, training will begin tomorrow at noon-"  
  
"There is no way I am going."  
  
****  
  
Hermione sat in the back of a black of a carriage. She was being carted off to America to take some stupid course she didn't even need. Staring out of the window, she watched another carriage of girls passing by, laughing. She snorted. Why was life so unfair?  
  
****  
  
"Welcome to "True Magic Paths!" Professor McGonagoll smiled at Hermione. "Our first step is admitting that you are a homosexual. First, let's imagine a woman in a tight skirt, with long legs. Perhaps she's putting on lipstick, or in the shower, rubbing her breasts. Do you have any... unnatural thoughts?"  
  
"Well, I don't think they're unnatural..."  
  
"Ah Ha! So you do have thoughts... well, until you admit your problem, you will wear muggle clothing. When you earn it, you will be allowed to wear your pink robes. For now, why don't you meet some of our other gay witches? FLEUR!"  
  
"Vell, 'ello. Rise at seveen. Breakfast at eight, groop zarapy till LOONCH. Een ze afterneun, ve have fuhree time to doo.... vatevar. Zen, ve have zeraputic excersises. On the veekends, ve 'ave 'ouse zerapy."  
  
Hermione and Fleur enter a room filled with pink beds. "Zis is vere ve sleep. Zere is no inaprrrropriate behavior allowed."  
  
"What, like using dark magic?"  
  
"No, like you-know-what-ing." Spoke up a familiar voice. Hermione had not noticed Lavender Brown on her bed.  
  
"Oh." Replied Hermione.  
  
Fleur led Hermione back outside. "She ees a real stook-oop brat. Anyvay, zis ees our step progress chart. Step vone vas a piece off cake! Ve all passed yeesterday. I'm an 'Omozexual!" Said Fleur.   
  
Hermione couldn't help but feel inferior, yet still wonder what the hell Fleur was talking about.  
  
****  
  
It was group therapy time. Hermione was being introduced to the "gang", which was made up of many Hogwarts students.  
  
Cho stood up. "Hi Hermione, uh, I'm Cho, and I'm a Quidditch player, and, uh, a homosexual!" Hermione noticed that Cho had shaved off almost all of her hair.  
  
Next was Pansy Parkinson. "I'm Pansy, I like pain, I'm a homosexual." Hermione also noticed Pansy's odd black lipstick and a dog collar with an odd ring on it.  
  
Then, oh god, DRACO! "I'm Draco, I'm a pureblood, and I'm a ho-ho-homosexual."  
  
McGonogall motioned to Lavender. "We met." she said. McGonogall continued to look at Lavender until she stood up. "I'm Lavender, I like girls a lot, and I'm a homosexual."  
  
Next Neville stood up. "Neville. Actor, dancer, homosexual!"  
  
Next was Harry. "Homosexual Quidditch Seeker. What's up?"  
  
"Harry, what the HELL are you doing here?" Hermione got no response.  
  
Seamus was next. "I'm Seamus, I work in candy retail, and I'm a homosexual." Seamus in retail? Hermione hadn't known that...  
  
Mcgonagal started talking. "It's time for your first talk. Why don't you start by telling us about the first time you thought you might be a lesbian?"  
  
"I'm not! Everyone just thinks I am... I shouldn't even be here. I'm not like the rest of you. I'm a cheerleader! I get good grades in school, I have a boyfriend-"  
  
"That's a perfectly normal place to start. Why don't we talk about the issues in your 'intervention'?"  
  
"Well, I'm in to house elf rights..." Others groan. "I have pictures of girls around..."  
  
"Do you think that's normal?" Asked Cho.  
  
"Of course! My boyfriend... I've had him for two years! He's smart, and popular..."  
  
Fleur interrupted. "'Ave. you ever 'ad ze zex?"  
  
"No! I'm a good girl, oi am!"  
  
"Vell, eets eesy to bee a prood ven you aren't eettracteed to zee guy!"  
  
"He's very handsome!"  
  
"But does he make you hot? I mean, do you think of him at night when you..." Interrupted Pansy.  
  
"I'm NOT A PERVERT!" Hermione screamed at the top of her lungs. "I'm a CHEERLEADER!"  
  
Suddenly, she was reminded of staring at Parvati undressing in the locker. She remembered the skimpy cheerleading outfits. And wiping saliva from the corners of her mouth in disgust. And most of all, Ron's wagging tongue. His head spun around, the tongue at the center of its movement.  
  
"I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual!" Hermione stood up, sobbing slightly. "I'm a homosexual!"  
  
Everyone clapped, and rushed in to hug her. Everyone but Lavender, who stared at her with a look of disgust. Hermione continued shouting her cry of "I'm a homosexual!" Even after everyone had left. Well, at least she had her pink robes....  
  
****  
  
Mmmmm... mealtime!   
  
Lavender was sitting at her own little table, eating her food. "Congrats on your first step, pom pom." Hermione just walked past.  
  
"Don't listen to her," said Harry.   
  
"I can't wait to be strait... I've always wanted to be," said Draco. "I can't wait to tell my friends.  
  
"Maybe you have the wrong friends." Said Lavender snidely.  
  
"We should all be supporting each other," Said Hermoine preppily  
  
"Do you want to start the kumbayas?" Asked Lavender.  
  
Lunch went on like this.  
  
****  
  
Hermione awoke from her sleep by the sounds of zapping and sighs. In the bed to her left, Pansy's covers were pulled over her head and she was groaning as an electrical device of some sort zapped her.  
  
"Pansy?" Hermione asked blearily. "What are you doing to yourself?"  
  
"Aversion therapy- I get zapped if I think about girls."  
  
Hermione was confused. "Doesn't that hurt?"  
  
"Like I always say, no pain, no gain, baby..."  
  
"Isn't that Lavender's sock?" Hermione queried innocently.  
  
"None of your damn business." Pansy pulled the covers over her head.  
  
****  
  
Hermione was onto Step Two, discovering her Gender Identity. Basically, she was cleaning the house with the females. Lavender was disinterestedly watching McGonogall scrub the carpet, while Pansy was sniffing the carpet cleaner.  
  
"In and out, that's it, Cho. In and out." McGonogall ordered.  
  
Pansy licked her lips suggestively, Fleur blushed, Lavender smiled, but Hermione's eyes widened with a look of total disbelief.  
  
"What kind of shit are they teaching me?" She thought.  
  
****  
  
"You slip it in... And out" said Dumbledore from under a carriage. "Put more oil on it and slip it in..."  
  
Seamus looked down, while Draco watched in a horny matter. Harry just watched with a look of slight disinterest, while Neville chewed bubblegum happily.  
  
"Okay, who wants to help?" Everyone but Seamus raised their hands.   
  
****  
  
Hermione stood in a wedding dress while Fleur brushed up against Cho's chest. Fleur gave her a wink. McGonogall watched from the sides, and as soon as Fleur saw her watching, she got back to work helping Hermione pin up her dress. Lavender made paper dolls on the side.  
  
****  
  
Dumbeldore was teaching the guys how to chop wood. Also, how to grab their crotches in approval instead of jumping up and down. Harry skillfully reached down, while the others did it rather femininely.  
  
Neville stood to chop some wood, missed, pulled the ax out, and flung it backward at the other guys. Everyone scattered with feminine screeches.  
  
****  
  
The boys played ninja on the field, crying shouts of "Die! Die! Die! at each other.  
  
****  
  
"Now it is time to report of the root of our homosexuality." McGonogall said.  
  
Neville. "Shit, I ain't the only one who don't got no root."  
  
"Neville, we don't use profanity or double negatives as True Magic Paths. Hermione?"  
  
"I'm so sorry, I just can't think of anything."  
  
"Prom Queen is just too afraid to disclose." Interjected Lavender.  
  
"Oh really, what's your root, Lav?" Hermione retorted.  
  
"We're working on _your_ issues, not mine." Lavender snapped.   
  
"Actually, I think it would be a great idea for Hermione to be reminded of your root."  
  
Lavender sighed. "My mother got married in pants."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Too many locker room showers with the team."  
  
"Fleur?"  
  
"I vas born een France..."  
  
"Pansy?"  
  
"All girls boarding school when I was young..."  
  
"Seamus?"  
  
"Mom let me play in her pumps."  
  
"I like balls." Cho claimed proudly.  
  
"Thank you for that, Cho. Draco?"  
  
"Traumatic...breasts...." He answered.  
  
"Now, Hermione," McGonogall soothed. "Do you see how easy it can be? Dig down into those painful memories... Now we are going to learn about one of the most valuable things that Heterosexuality includes. Friendship. Everyone find a friend for the remainder of the program."  
  
Hermione was with Lavender, Fleur was with McGonogall, Pansy was with Cho, Draco with Neville, and Seamus with Harry.  
  
"Now, what I'd like you to do is practice sometime tonight with these." McGonogall held up two sets of booklets; pink and blue.  
  
****  
  
The boys were playing football, an American Man sport, with Dumbledore directing them. Draco was shouting "GIVE IT TO ME!" At the top of his lungs. As Draco missed the ball, Fred entered the scene. All the guys stopped to stare lustfully at him.  
  
This angered Dumbledore. "If I ever catch YOU looking at another man like that you'll be watching sports all weekend. The boys snapped to attention.  
  
****  
  
Oh god... it was house therapy day. Neville sat on a couch, talking to the whole Gryffindoor house. "And I realized that after swimming lessons, we would all change together."  
  
"Neville, that's what people do after swimming. Change. Everybody." Said McGonogall condescendingly.  
  
"But, I took one look at those boys and I got a... you know what!" Silence. Then, Draco spoke up.  
  
"I can relate to that. When I studied with Goyle, we used to, um, touch each other. Why isn't he here?"  
  
Fleur's house spoke up. "Blowing eech otheer avter a tezt doessnt applie. Eie don't see zee point een leesteneeng too storees."  
  
"That's uncalled for!" Cried a Gryffindoor.  
  
"Yes, I agree." Said MgGonogall. Fleur's house stormed out. "Hermione. Your turn to report in your root."  
  
"Well, there was this one year where daddy was unemployed and mom had to support us. Maybe seeing my mom be more of a dad gave me the wrong ideas about the roles of men and women."  
  
"Absolutely!" said McGonogall. "I can't believe you didn't say this before! Your father was emasculated, your mother was domineering."  
  
"Well, not exactly-"  
  
"You were simply trying to emulate your mother because you had no respect for your father."  
  
"It's really not like that!"  
  
McGonogall continued to ignore Hermione. "Hermione, you have FOUND YOUR ROOT!" Everyone clapped. "To heal these festering wounds, I want you to start writing a song. It's soothing and it's good to put your thoughts down on paper."  
  
****  
  
"Free time's up in 20!" Called Dumbeldore. "Go inside." Dumbeldore caught site of Fred. He gave him a look of utter lust.  
  
Hermione and Lavender were sitting together. "Hey", said Lavender.  
  
"I'm stuck on 5, 6, 7, 8, god is good..."  
  
"God is strait."  
  
"That's good. It's not supposed to be intellectual. It's a cheer. It's supposed to make people feel good. And, of course, inspire Quidditch!"  
  
"This is bullshit, Hermione! Not the cheers, the therapy. It doesn't work. You are who you are, the only trick is not getting caught."  
  
"Well, how you know?"  
  
"I don't wanna talk about it, okay?"  
  
****  
  
Over the days, Hermione felt herself being distracted by visions of her and Lavender. Her lips... At night, she dreamed of Lavender kissing her passionately...  
  
Again, Hermione was woken up by Pansy's zaps. She decided to wander the premises. Bad idea. She found Seamus and Harry, well... "Eewwwww!"  
  
"Shut the fuck up?"  
  
"Harry, I thought you wanted to get out clean. I'm telling McGonogall." Dumbledore said, entering from a door.  
  
As Dumbledore dragged Seamus and Harry from the room, Hermione guiltily stared out the window.  
  
****  
  
"I want to know whoever started this. They're leaving now! Someone has got to start talking!"  
  
****  
  
"You little pervert! Stay in the doghouse for one whole week!"  
  
****  
  
Eyes full of tears, Harry waved goodbye.  
  
"I wish I could have seen those two boys in action fore Ms. Thing over there went Nancy Drew on them." Neville said.  
  
"If she ratted on me, heads would have rolled..." Pansy said.   
  
"What, tired of your bed-and-zap-it? Or did you run low on batteries?"  
  
Hermione listened with half an ear, watching Lavender eat.  
  
****  
  
The group had moved on to step four: Demystifying the opposite Sex. They were sitting around, watching slides.  
  
"Now here are our lovebirds, taking a vacation together. Notice how affectionate they are. Now that could be you. Here is your happy couple at home. Now. It's important to make your man feel at home when he comes home from a long day of spells."  
  
Hermione, seated next to Lavender, noticed something on her arm. Lavender's hand.  
  
"Now. When it's time for love making, Dan Kisses Sue and touches her breasts. Women often find this sensation pleasurable." Lavender's hand brushed against Hermione's "pleasurable" spot.  
  
****  
  
Hermione walked into the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. She happened to come upon all the girls but Fleur getting ready to go out.  
  
"What's going on? It's almost lights out!"  
  
"We're sneaking out. Get dressed." Lavender replied.  
  
"But McGonogall"  
  
"What about McGonogall?"  
  
"We only have four weeks left. There's no way I'm getting thrown out now!"  
  
"They're never gonna find out about this! We don't have fun ever! You could use a little fun."  
  
"But what if we get caught?"  
  
"We're not gonna get caught." Hermione shook her head. "Well, if you're not gonna come, at least don't rat on us. Come on." With the final words, Lavender motioned to the others, who had been silent throughout the exchange.  
  
Hermione threw on some clothes and followed.  
  
****  
  
"So you came." Lavender said.  
  
"Hi, I'm Lloyd, this is Larry. We're trying to provide you with options- whether you want to live a-"  
  
"Lie." Supplied Larry.  
  
"Or be who you are. That's really what we're about."  
  
"So you run the Underground Homo Railroad?" Hermione asked jokingly.  
  
****  
  
"You didn't tell me you were taking me to a gay bar!"  
  
"Where else would we go?" retorted Lavender. "Come on. I'm gonna go get you a drink."  
  
"But I don't drink!"  
  
Lavender handed her a beer, saying "Just be yourself."  
  
A tall, blond stranger came up to Hermione. "Hi. Would you like to dance?"  
  
"Sure she does." Answered Lavender.  
  
Hermione shot a look a Lavender. "I'm sorry, I can't."  
  
"That's okay." Said the stranger.  
  
"You can't dance with a girl for one second? God."  
  
Stung by Lavender's comment, Hermione guided herself into the stranger's arms. Pansy threw herself into Lavender's arms, down her back, unto her butt-  
  
Hermione stormed out of the bar. Lavender untangled herself from Pansy and followed.  
  
****  
  
"Hermione, it's not what you think."  
  
"That's why we came here, isn't it? So you could be yourself."  
  
"That's not the way I like her."  
  
"Which way is that, clothed?"  
  
"We weren't doing anything  
  
"When you were going like this," refers to butt incident, "it didn't mean anything?"  
  
"I wasn't doing that!"  
  
"It doesn't matter!"  
  
"Why are you freaking out?"  
  
"It's none of my business. Do what you want."  
  
"You don't want me to do what I want."  
  
"I could care less."  
  
"You know what I really want?"  
  
"Screw you!" All of a sudden, Lavender wrapped her lips around Hermione's in a passionate kiss. They broke it off, embraced, and sat.  
  
"I'm not supposed to like you," said Hermione.  
  
"But?"  
  
"I wanna do that again." They kissed again. Meanwhile, Pansy snuck out to watch them. She came away quite upset.  
  
****  
  
In the car ride back, Hermione leaned closely on Lavender's shoulder. Pansy was still watching them.  
  
"What are you looking at?"  
  
****  
  
The girls hurried quickly into their beds, for they saw McGonogall's light turn on.  
  
McGonogall entered, looked around the room, and left. Lavender got up to give Hermione a goodnight kiss.  
  
****  
  
Dumbeldore was asking ??s. "Throw out the first thing that comes to your mind."  
  
"But I already did!" Cried Neville.  
  
"I'm a heterosexual." said Cho.  
  
"Not yet, honey, and don't speak out of turn," Answered Dumbledore.  
  
"No, no, I've never been gay."  
  
"Cho, honey, just look at yourself."  
  
"Everybody thinks I'm this big guy because I wear baggy robes and play Quidditch and because I'm not as pretty as other girls, but that doesn't make me gay. I can't help it. I just want a big fat wiener up my-"  
  
"Amen, sister!" Neville agreed.  
  
"I quit!" Cho cried. She ran out of the room.  
  
"Who is she trying' to fool?" Asked Dumbledore. "Hey, Cho! Cho! He cried as he ran after her.  
  
****  
  
"Group, I have found something very disturbing." McGonogall held up a matchbox from the gay club. "I want names. I want to know who is involved. I want to know who has been sneaking out with those recruiters." No one spoke up. "Fine then. Lavender. What do you have to say?"  
  
"Why are you looking at me?"  
  
"Because I found these under your bed, Lavender!"  
  
"I didn't sneak out."  
  
"But you know who did!"  
  
"I don't, but, I did realize something about myself last night. I was afraid to admit it."  
  
"Come on, lavender, out with it!"  
  
"I have a crush. On Malfoy. It was the first time I'd ever felt something for a guy, you know? It just proved to me the treatment's working."  
  
"Oh! Oh! Now! Let this show you what determination has yielded! Let it be known that I am very disappointed in the rest of you. I have scheduled a meeting with EACH OF YOUR HOUSES."  
  
****  
  
"All of us know that you had nothing to do with that field trip to the c-c-cocksucker."  
  
"Yes, Ron."  
  
"Hermione, I love you."  
  
Hermione said nothing  
  
****  
  
The compound was having cake. Lavender was flirting with Malfoy, Hermione with Fred.  
  
"Oh, thanks. You are so good at being straight." Said Malfoy.  
  
"Wow, you have really big muscles." Hermione commented  
  
"Get her cake. Get HER cake." Malfoy drilled  
  
"Can I rub them?" Asked Hermione  
  
"You're really manly." Said Lavender.  
  
Hermione busied herself massaging Fred's "big muscles." It would be a looong night.  
  
****  
  
It was the final test.   
  
"You will all be graded in each category. Those who past will move on to step five. Simulated sexual lifestyle. Boys with me, girls with McGonogall." Instructed Dumbledore.  
  
****  
  
"Essay Topic: My Root and How it Prevented Me From Heterosexual Loving."  
  
All the young witches and wizards scrambled to write their essays or copy their friend's.  
  
****  
  
"Now. In order to successfully navigate the sea of temptation, one must enter life out of homosexuality. I've never seen such a determined group, and, I am passing all but one of you. Neville, you may pack your bags."  
  
"I just wasn't meant to be butch. I'm just a big sissy!"  
  
"You should be proud of who you are." Malfoy said supportively.  
  
"Hello-o!"  
  
"I mean, you're more than just a sissy. You're sexy and clean and smart and-"  
  
"The last thing I need is some prude who just proved he's strait telling my ass how sexy I am. Congratulations. You know who you are and you know whom you want. Ain't nobody gonna change that. Shii-iit.  
  
****  
  
Hermione glanced over at Lavender, who nodded. Together they snuck outside. Lavender explored the softness of Hermione's arms, her legs, and her lips. Eyes met, fingers intertwined. The two lovers melted into each other.  
  
"Lavender? I've never felt that way before. Except-"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't laugh. When I was cheerleading. It sounds stupid, but I mean it. It's the one thing that's kept me happy. It's exhilarating. Don't laugh."  
  
"I'm not. I think maybe I'm just jealous that you have something you love." With that, Lavender embraced Hermione again and they ceased talking.  
  
****  
  
"Get out of bed, you hormonal hussy. I can't believe you did this. Now get out of bed right now!"  
  
"What did I do?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Your little sleepover with Lavender. Ugh. Get dressed right now." McGonogall ordered.  
  
****  
  
"You realize what your adventure has cost you. You will be removed from the program and the premises immediately." McGonogall informed her coolly.  
  
"I understand."  
  
"You will have to wait until the others graduate to go back to Hogwarts."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And you will not be able to make up the work you missed."  
  
"WHAT? My grades... my midterms..."  
  
"There is one thing that you can do..."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Partner with Fred in stimulation."  
  
"Fred? He's so gay that... I don't think that would work."  
  
"Well, you know what that means..."  
  
****  
  
"We've lost Hermione. But you still have a chance to save yourself. You can run off with Hermione and fail your midterms, or you can graduate with the rest of the class."  
  
"What do I have to do?"  
  
****  
  
Hermione walked along, suitcases in hand, slowly. As she passed McGonogall's office, out came Lavender and McGonogall.  
  
"Than it's settled. Lavender will partner with red in stimulation. Hermione, you're out. Skiddaddle."  
  
Lavender mouthed "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," at Hermione, but she was too angry and hurt to forgive. She went to the only place she could.  
  
****  
  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I need to talk to Lloyd and Larry."  
  
"But you're from True Magical Paths!"  
  
"Not any more!"  
  
The door opened, and Hermione staggered inside.  
  
****  
  
"I can't go back. I was hoping you could teach me to be a lesbian. How to dress, how to act..."  
  
"There's no one way to be a lesbian. I'm afraid I can't help you with that."  
  
Suddenly, another door opened. In came, whom else but-  
  
"Harry!"  
  
"Thanks for saving me from that place!"  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm living here till the rest graduate!"  
  
****  
  
"The curfew's midnight. Come on, everything's gonna be okay."  
  
"But... she was supposed to leave with me."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Lavender!"  
  
"I knew it! She liked you from the start. But, Hermione, you're better off here."  
  
****  
  
"Lavender! Pay attention!" Everyone left were dressed in skintight suits with leaves in the more private areas.  
  
"Now lean in and kiss her. Now feel how soft and vulnerable she is. A little tongue, he loves you. He wants to be with you the way God intended. To be inside you, his love muscled thrusting-" Directed McGonogall.  
  
"Ugh."  
  
"Cut!"  
  
****  
  
"Now, Hermione, what would you like to do with the time you have before everyone graduates?"  
  
"Larry, she's just made a huge decision."  
  
"I just thought-"  
  
"She's not ready!"  
  
"But she needs some cheering up."  
  
"How about we don't let them graduate?"  
  
"Ooooh, now that's an idea..."  
  
****  
  
"Next!"  
  
Lavender flopped onto the bed.  
  
"Okay, now remember that sex is fun. It's beautiful for a man and a woman. Spread your legs. Now, the man will insert himself in the woman."  
  
"McGonogall?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What about foreplay?"  
  
"What? A real man goes right in, unloads, and comes right out!"  
  
"Professor!"  
  
****  
  
"I am zoo proud off you. Eesn't eet vonderful to be strait? To be out off 'omozexuality?" Fleur chattered happily, but Lavender stonily put on her earrings.  
  
"OK, girls, ready to go?"  
  
****  
  
"Welcome to the graduating class! May I present our happy heterosexuals! Malfoy! Fluer! Pansy!"  
  
Hermione pulled down Lavender.   
  
"Jesus!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to get you."  
  
"I can't go anywhere with you." Lavender turned away and headed to graduation and heterosexuality.  
  
"We should all celebrate the wonderfulness of heterosexuality. Pansy Parkinson" she handed a plaque to the uncollared girl. "Draco Malfoy. Fleur Delacour. Lavender Brown."  
  
Hermione ran as fast as possible. What she had in mind was daring, but it had to work.  
  
"And now, in closing, we should-" McGonogall stopped, seeing Hermione dressed in her cheerleader's outfit.  
  
"Lavender! 1,2,3,4,  
I won't take no anymore  
5,6,7,8  
I want you to be my mate.  
1,2,3,4  
You're the one that I adore.  
5,6,7,8  
Don't run from me, cuz this is fate..." The words were corny, but the gesture was one that Lavender knew the true meaning of, and the deepness behind it. She stood, waiting, hoping Lavender would stand up and run to her. But Lavender remained seated, and the sting of McGonogall's words awoke the dazed crowd.  
  
"You stop this instant. You will walk in the sludge of your homosexuality."  
  
Fearfully, Hermione turned and ran. "Come on! Let's go!" she cried to Harry.  
  
"Wait for me!" Came Lavender's voice.  
  
Hermione's heart lifted. All thoughts of her future were erased as Lavender leaped into the car, into Hermione's arms...  
  
In the back of a rainbow colored carriage, the two lovers held each other, promising never to be false to their feelings again. They disappeared in the distance as the sky turned a brilliant shade of rose.  
  
****  
  
At Hogwarts, things had normalized. After all the True Magic Paths dropouts had barely passed, Hermione had gotten back into her straight A+ pattern, the others into their normal grade patterns. Some things had changed forever, though. Lavender and Hermione had to take turns sleeping in the boy's dorms, and it was frowned upon by the prudes if Dumbledore spent an extra fifteen minutes after class to help Fred with that potion that he "just couldn't master". McGonogall was never looked at with the same respect again. Harry... well, most people dismissed his homosexual times as just a phase, for he was now quite an item with Cho, who had grown her hair long.  
  
****  
  
So, what did you think? _WE_ liked it. If you want to see the real thing, rent But I'm a Cheerleader. It's worth the $3.75. There's a definite splitting of our story from the plot at the end, but mostly, we're pretty accurate.  



End file.
